Who me? I am not worthy.

In junior high I completed an assignment where we had to describe ourselves. I wrote that I was of average looks, intelligence, and ability. My teacher’s red pen said I was too harsh on myself. And so the tradition was born.

If, at the time, they had bullying programs, I could have classified as my own if my inner voice had been audible. Its play-by-play was merciless, “You shouldn’t have said that, you’re so stupid.” “Your bangs look queer.” “Your jeans are cheap and ugly.” “You can’t do math, don’t even try.”

Putting myself down, elevating others, continued into adulthood. That small inner insecurity that could stop me from raising my hand in class can now prevent me from voicing an opinion in meetings.

In order to lose weight, I had to first believe in my ability to do it. I lost weight in high school, college, and after my first child. But at some level I never considered it permanent. I kept my fat clothes. I still started off searching clothing racks in the large sizes. I was afraid to invest in smaller sizes. I doubted my ability to keep it off. Inside, I still saw myself as fat. Inside, I still called myself fat.

Today, it’s a different story. I didn’t go on a diet. I joined Weight Watchers and changed how I ate for good. I rediscovered exercise as part of my daily life. Inside, I see myself as thin and healthy. My identity changed. The larger sizes are gone for good. I have no intention of going back to them.

That critical, picky voice that has haunted and taunted me for so long is wrong. I am smart, strong, and capable. By setting my mind to it, I can accomplish anything and be who I want to be. And I choose to be healthy. Finally, at 45, I've graduated from junior high. Why did it take so long?