Who am I kidding?

As a lifetime member of Weight Watchers, I'm being good, watching what I eat. My diet consists of whole grains, fresh fruits, and vegetables. I only eat when I'm hungry and stop when I am satisfied. And everyone believes it but me.

Me? I know better. I saw the before and after images of the packages for saltines, hummus, and almonds. I was the only one in the kitchen with the coffee cake. I cleaned up the pasta pot after dinner.

It's a dark dirty dieters secret. If no one else sees you eat it, it doesn't count.

My metabolism, however, never got the memo. It doesn't realize the crackers and cheese in front of me are not to be digested or stored. That, they are in in effect null, void, nonexistent.

Cheating on a diet is like stealing from your own wallet. Who am I kidding? Me? I don't think so. I was there. That makes it hard to deny.

Unless I have multiple personalities. One alter personality has no control, knowledge, or influence over the other. Gluttina was out at the time. Rigidita has no ability to reign her in. Desperata is the one trembling in front of the scale.

Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I switch personalities when I'm hungry, tempted, or experiencing a craving. These alter personalities take over my body and eat even though I don't want to. Therefore, I am not accountable or responsible for their choices.

Maybe my tendency to dissociate should be reported to my physician. Just in case there's a problem...

I made a visit with my primary care provider. "Doctor, I sometimes eat things I shouldn't in amounts that are excessive. I'm not in control of my behavior at the time. I appear to be in a dissociative state under the control of an alter personality who doesn't seem to understand I am watching my diet."

"Really?" my doctor said. "Then I suggest your alter personality a membership to Weight Watchers and make sure she is there when you weigh in."